Have you ever seen that SNL segment Really?! with Seth and Amy? Now it's just with Seth, but still completely wonderful. In this particular segment they take a moment to ask, well, Really?! to some celebrity, politician, or someone who recently appeared in the news. They ask this question over and over again after pointing out various points of ridiculousness in the individual's behavior.
Do you ever just want to have a Really?! segment with God? I know I do. That's kind of where I'm at right now. I'm sitting here at my computer on the SI base, already missing my community back "home" in Los Higos. And if I could have a Really?! segment with God right now, it would go something like this:
Now it's time for a segment we like to call Really?! with KatieRose!
Katie: Really, God? Really? Why did you send me here anyway? Just so I could fall in love with the people and the culture and then just peace out? Really?! And why did you allow me to get plugged into a community you KNEW I would miss for the rest of my life? Really?! What's the point of these relationships you've allowed me to form? Did I really come here just leave again? Really?! And what about the passions you've given me? Do you really think it's fair to manifest new ones NOW? Really?! How am I supposed to handle that? What do you expect me to do with the love you've placed in my heart for these people? This country? And specifically my community? Really, God?! Really?!?!
Yup. That's about how it would go. It's such a conundrum because I really am so happy here. I'm in love with this place and these people and what I'm doing here. But I look at the calendar each day at the preschool and I see the end rapidly approaching. I almost feel tricked. Everything about this place and this language is intoxicating. I feel like I offered my heart to Los Higos only to rip it away in less than three weeks from today. So this brings me to a cross-roads. Do I decide to put down my fists and drop the Really?! card, or do I choose to go on relying on my own understanding? I want to trust; I want to believe that God has a plan and that it is good. In fact, if I look around me right now, I see that I am standing in the middle of his very good plan. But it's a forest/trees deal. What I see here is good, and my heart longs for it. What I'm doing now I love, who I'm working and living with I adore. But I have to go back, and I want to go back. I'm so confused by what I thought I desired for my life and career and by what my heart is saying now. My spiritual eyes are straining to see God's perfect will through the trees of Letting Go, Leaning On My Own Understanding, and His Good Gifts for Now. It all comes back to holding his pinkies, doesn't it?
Papa Dios, gracias por tu paciencia eterna. Ayudame a confiarte y esperar por tu plan perfecta. Amen.